How to Help Your angry adhd child
This is Part Two in a series about all the things you can do as a parent, to help your Angry ADHD Child.
If you have not read the first part of the series – How to Proactively Parent Your Explosive ADHD Child – take a look at that first. You will find ideas for how to stop anger and explosive outbursts before they even happen!
In this article we will focus on answering the important question – “How can I help my angry ADHD Child?”. We will focus on what to do about those angry, unwanted behaviors in the moment, when your child is at their absolute worst.
Even though we have seen it before, our child’s anger can rear it’s head out of nowhere, leaving us reeling, dumbfounded and feeling completely on the defensive. Here are 7 ways to help your angry ADHD child in the moment, when tempers are flaring.
1. Prepare yourself for the angry outbursts
No matter how much we parent proactively, to avoid angry outbursts, we know we can’t stop them all. Your child, most likely, will get angry and explosive at some point.
It’s important to think about what to do in the heat of the moment before it happens again.
You can’t always control the situation, but your have a lot of control over what you say in the moment.
I’ve got a few scripts that I memorize to use when needed. These help me resist the urge to fuel the fire. A few of them go like this:
- “I can see you are mad now, where can you go to calm down?”
- “Those words hurt, you must be really mad to use those words. How can I help?”
- “I will leave you to calm down, come and get me when you are ready. I’ll be just at the bottom of the stairs, reading.”
- “You need to be on a different floor than your brother right now, until everyone calms down.”
- “I am really hurt and mad, I need some time to cool down”
- “I am not in the right mood, I need some time to cool down before we talk.”
Use one of mine or create your own that feel right to you….but memorize it BEFORE you need to use it.
Joanna Faber and Julie King’s book, How to Talk When Kids Won’t Listen: Whining, Fighting, Meltdowns and Other Challenges of Childhood, is a brilliant read, as it is filled scripts of how to talk to your kids in the face of anger.
By naming YOUR feelings, you are modeling an acceptable way to behave and express yourself. You are also giving your child the option to go cool down until you can find a better time to discuss what might be going on.
By preparing how you are going to react in the moment of your kiddo’s anger, you can help them regulate their own emotions and calm down quickly.
2. Make sure everyone is safe
As Ross Greene, author of The Explosive Child, says, the most important thing to do in the moment of concerning behaviors is to make sure everyone is safe.
That could look like having siblings leave the room or head outside for a bit. It could look like letting go of your expectations in the moment and just waiting until everyone is calm.
You can create a space for your child to go to when they are in distress – a calm down area, made just for them.
There are a few ways you can create a calming area – you probably already have what you need at home!
- Ask your child what makes them feel better. Don’t assume you know what kind of a space will feel right for your kids. Create a space together using pillows, cushions, a bean bag chair or swing. Maybe its as easy as a weighted stuffed pal and a spot on the sofa.
- Determine if the space is near or away from people. I like to be alone, my son still loves to be close to people, even when he is angry, so we’ve created his spot accordingly.
- Be a detective and notice where they go or what they do when they are anxious or frightened. Both of my kids, like small tight spots, so we have a hammock hung up inside at all times!
- Keep books or an Ipod with headphones ready for when they need it. Maybe a book light and a spot on the coat closet floor would be comforting.
- Don’t be limited by INSIDE spaces in your house. Forts, tents, trampolines(jumping on top or sitting below it) are great options for calming down and getting everyone to a safe place.
3. Lead with empathy.
There is no better way to diffuse anger than to side with it. Acknowledging your kiddo’s situation with some empathy will show your child you understand their upset.
All it takes is a few simple phrases to say in the moment of anger that can diffuse the situation easily.
“That must feel awful to…” or “I am sorry you won’t be able to…” even a simple, “That does stink!” can diffuse anger in seconds. “How can I help?” is a great response for an older child.
Showing empathy to your child has so many benefits:
- Showing empathy gives your kids a calm parent who knows is on his side. Your interactions with your kids(during highly stressful moments) are as positive as they can be when you show some empathy.
- Showing empathy helps our kids identify what is happening. By talking about emotions immediately( or as soon as everyone is calm) our kids can begin to identify what they are feeling.
- Showing empathy allows kids to be more open to talking about what may be behind the big feelings. When things are calmer, we can then have a conversation about the emotions and what may be behind them. Rather than stuff them, feelings become part of our conversation.
- Showing empathy models a great response for the rest of the family. My younger son has ADHD, but is more emotionally regulated than my oldest. and these times must be very hard for him to understand, too.
Showing Empathy is a great step when dealing with an emotionally disregulated kiddo. If you are on their side, they’ll have nothing to fight with you about.
4. Offer a Choice
Sometimes, giving your kids a choice in the moment, moves them from their fight or flight brain to the thinking part of their brain:
“Do you want to jump on the trampoline or sit on the sofa?”
“Would you like a cold drink or a snack?”
“Would you like to read on the ipad or listen to some music?”
“Do you want to use your markers or colored pencils for your drawing?”
You can guage whether your kids are able to handle being given a choice. It really is a trial and error approach. Just getting several options in your tool kit is a great place to begin.
4. Ignore it.
What?
Really?
Yes, sometimes things need to go “unnoticed”. An eye roll or chuff from your kiddo after you’ve asked them to do their homework or clean their room can easily be ignored.
Most of the time it’s an automatic response and needs to go no further. Your kiddo could be wanting to project some of their disdain onto you, hoping for a reaction. Sometimes it’s easier to just walk away and act like you didn’t even see it.
Remember, our ADHD kids are low in dopamine. What raises dopamine? Fighting and arguing, among other, more positive ways. We don’t want our kids to get in the habit or starting an argument to raise their dopamine levels. Look into these positive ways to raise dopamine, instead.
5. Give yourself a time out
A huge part of your child’s ability to regain calm is wrapped up in YOUR ability to stay calm in the first place.
Our children feel safe with us and so we are often in the line of fire when it comes to an explosion. The last thing they need is for us to ramp up, right up along side them.
This is not easy. I work on keeping my cool with every explosion my sons have.
But remember, we are modeling behavior at every moment. As parents we can be so easily triggered by our kids emotions.
But this is the learning. Some of us are already really good at keeping our emotions calm and triggers neatly tucked away.
I was not one of those people.
My son’s big emotions could send me to tears or yelling , making his explosion even bigger.
It took me awhile to learn, but I am so much more aware that my sons’ mean words or undesirable actions are all a symptom of his fears and anxiety. They may be directed at me or said in my presence, but they have absolutely nothing to do with me.
Just that realization on it’s own makes it so much easier for me to come at an explosive situation with calm and loving understanding, which serves us all better.
If I sense an explosion coming on – or even as it’s just begun, I make sure my son is safe, and I often leave the room or send him to his designated calming area, so we both can be in a neutral space until the storm passes.
I often have to literally take myself physically out of the room and be clear of my son, so we can both calm down.
I’ll say a few words to him to let him know I am close and available when he is ready to talk about what is bothering him, so we can problem solve it together.
You must never, never take a child’s explosion as a personal affront. There is a reason behind it and more than likely, it has nothing to do with you.
As parents we’re often the ones who need a time out!
Learning how to co-regulate with your child can be a super effective way to help their nervous system mature. Mona Delahooke’s book, Brain Body Parenting, is on my top three “All Time Best ADHD Parenting Book” list because it explains this process so seamlessly and gives you so many ideas about what to do in the heat of the moment.
What can you do during your time out? Anything that calms you down: phone a friend from your closet, sit in the bathroom, look at photos of your kid as a sweet little baby, walk around your yard.
When you feel calmer, come back and see if the issue even needs to be addressed.
6. Go Talk to Your Listening Partner
One of these key parenting practices is to have a “Listening Partner”, someone who will be a sounding board for your parenting dilemnas – the good, the bad and the ugly.
Find a listening partner who is willing to listen and someone who is outside your daily realm – do not choose your partner, mother, etc.
You and your listening partner can provide feedback if wanted, but really serve as a great listener – someone who you can just get things off your chest with and vent. Getting your feelings and frustrations out with a unbiased third party can make it easier to come back better able to help your angry ADHD child.
7. Help them name it and let the mood settle.
Our ADHD kids have a hard time expressing their thoughts and feelings and everything often comes out as anger and frustration.
In the heat of the moment, it’s often helpful for you to call it like you see it. “It looks like you are frustrated.” or ” Wow, you are really angry about something”. It may not be exactly what they are feeling, but it sure does get them thinking about their feelings.
It’s always a great idea to let the mood settle a bit. All involved family members should be feeling pretty calm before you start any discussions.
A feelings chart may be helpful – even for older kids. This one has some really good examples of many things your kiddo might be feeling.
Super Resources to Help My Angry ADHD Child
- Kim John Payne’s Book, “Being at Your Best, When Your Child is at Their Worst.”
- Ultimate Sack 5 foot bean bag chair, perfect for calming down.
- Foldable indoor trampoline to get the anger out!
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