An ADHD Parenting Tale: The Time I Cancelled Christmas
As parents of ADHD Kids, we mess up a lot.
It’s inevitable. And maybe even more so, for parents of kids who seem to have a tougher time navigating school and friends and ….holidays.
But the great thing is we can learn from our mistakes.
When we know differently we do differently.
Every year, I find myself thinking about a certain Christmas morning, now 9 years ago, with new eyes.
It was the time I cancelled Christmas.
My family of four, decided to go on a walk Christmas morning before we went to my parent’s house to continue the celebration.
It was awful.
I mean AWFUL.
The beautiful, snow-filled landscape quickly turned into a bit of a nightmare.
During most of the walk, my oldest, who was 9 at the time, was continually trying to trip his brother, kicked snow and ice on all of us, swore at his father… I can’t even tell you how far out of left field this was.
His behavior was THE WORST I had EVER seen.
How could he do that to his brother? His father? TO ME? On Christmas Day for Pete’s sake!!!!
Can you already see my mistake coming?
Yep.
Not only was I focusing on the behavior, I took it personally.
I made a big parenting mistake
Unfortunately, this was before we were introduced to the work of Ross Greene and I didn’t realize, at the time, that my son wasn’t giving us a hard time, he was having a hard time.
So my default parenting mode of focusing on his behavior had me do what I thought was right.
I kept him home, away from the celebration, later that day, to “punish” him.
The decision didn’t come easily, in fact, I remember crying on the phone to my mother.
Lucky for us all, that night, I made a huge realization.
My son and I ended up having a nice, quiet night together, drawing and doing a puzzle. And that’s when it came out.
“Mom, I was worried about seeing relatives we haven’t seen in awhile and I don’t know if they’re going to like their gifts.”
—Wow. Just. WOW.
He was having a hard time, not giving me one
The problem was not his behavior, but that he could not communicate to us what he was worried about. He was in fight or flight mode, only able to use his reptile brain and was lashing out from fear.
Our ADHD kiddos are very often lagging behind their peers in the maturity department by 3-5 years! Communicating feelings can still be an issue for my now, 17 year old.
I am sharing this story because I want to help you avoid this same mistake, during the holidays – or anytime. Realizing that there is a reason for the behaviors-always- is the first step!
(If you haven’t read about my other big light bulb moment,it’s here. Sometimes it takes a few knocks over the head for me to really GET something.)
Digging under the behavior
Okay, but how can I find out what’s underneath the behavior? You can see lots of strategies HERE, but the method that works most of time is the Five Finger Strategy. In a nutshell, here it is:
- Make sure you wait until everyone is calm. “ I see you are upset, where can you go to calm down until we can talk about it?” or “I want to help, but let’s wait until we’re both calm.”
- When everyone is calm, I throw out guesses as to what might be going on (Are you worried about visiting the city? Do you have a big final coming up? etc.) and tell your kiddo to hold up 1 to 5 fingers depending upon the severity of his worry (5 is REALLY worried, 1 is not at all.)
- When we hit a 3, 4 or 5, we know to ask a bit more about it, begin to empathize and problem solve it. A lot of times, just naming the worry and getting it out, helps so much. “Now I see what was worrying you. How can I help?”
The 5 finger strategy is so great because so often our kids have a hard time explaining their upset. But, they certainly know when they hear it.
Ways to make the holidays more enjoyable
Other things that may make the holidays more enjoyable:
- If the surprise factor of receiving gifts is too anxiety producing, go shopping together or give gift cards, so kids get exactly what they want.
- Preview the week (or day) with your kids to make sure they can bring up any worries and you can stave off potential problems.
- Get outside a lot. Nature is the salve for everything. Take family hikes, have snowball fights, walk thru the zoo on a cold, crisp day…
- Keep bedtime routines. Sleep is crucial to have a good foundation for dealing with stress. Upsetting this routine can have a domino effect.
- Give kids lots of choices about what to do — When kids feel in control, they feel less anxious.
- Offer an “out” — if family celebrations get too stressful, make sure your kids have a way to “escape” — watch movies, leave early, hide out in a bedroom, etc.
- And last, but not least, Prioritize connection, prioritize connection, prioritize connection.Spend lots of quiet time together as a family.
Make sure to follow me on Instagram for more tips about navigating the holidays.
I do hope your holiday season is off to a good start. But remember, there’s bound to be a few ups and downs. Our kids’ quirks don’t disappear just because it’s the holidays.
Share this information with anyone who you think would benefit from its content.
If you are still looking for some awesome, screen free gifts for your kids, don’t miss my ADHD Gift list here – with photos of my kids over the years with the things that kept them busy for HOURS.
