Positive Parenting Solutions for Angry ADHD kids
This is part three of a series on Positive parenting ideas for explosive kids. You may want to go back and read them first, to get some perspective:
- In Proactive Parenting Solutions for ADHD Kids we talked about all the things you can do to lessen the behaviors BEFORE they even start.
- In How to Help Your Angry ADHD Child , we talk about what to do during those inevitable explosions when your ADHD Kiddo is at their worst.
In this post, Positive Parenting Solutions for ADHD Kids, we will talk about what to do after the explosions, when things have calmed down, but you know the opportunity is ripe for helping your kiddo to learn from what has happened.
What to do after the bad behavior has happened
Don’t rehash the gory details
It might seem like telling your kiddo all the bad stuff they did would serve as an incentive for them not to do it again. And by talking about all the stuff, they’ll suddenly realize the error of their ways and will never let it happen again.
But it doesn’t.
Trust me. I have tried it.
Talking about the names they called you or the thing they threw at their sister, only serves to make them feel worse and does noting to solve the problem at the root. When kids feel bad about themselves, they will shut down and it will make it harder to get insight as to what was going on in the first place.
Talk About it
And by talk about it, I mean mostly listen.
Ask a simple question or two and then listen.
Ross Greene, author of The Explosive Child, advises that children be asked a simple question like, “I noticed you had a hard time going to school this morning, what’s up?”
Your job is to get as much information about why the expectation could not be met. You can ask additional questions like, “Tell me more” or “is there any other information you’d like me to know about this?”
It can take awhile for kids to trust this process and understand they will not “get in trouble”
Try the 5 finger method
Talking with your kids may sound easier than it actually is.
Part of the reason our kids are acting out is that they have a hard time telling you what is bothering them. It bottles up and eventually explodes.
5 finger method to the rescue.
Another invention of Ross Greene’s, the five finger method allows kids to simply hold up their fingers to answer your questions(1 finger is No! and 5 fingers is a big YES!). As you ask them questions to try to guess what is bothering them, let them hold up their fingers to answer you. This takes practice, but soon kids learn to use 2 to 4 fingers for everything between a hard no or hard yes.
Stop making meaning about your kids’ behavior
It can be easy for us to make up stories about our kids behaviors – they hate me! I have a mean kid! They’ll never finish elementary school! I am a horrible parent!
This kind of storytelling is a waste of your imagination.
Separate the behavior from the child. It is purely comminucation – think of it as a foreign language you have to decode.
A missing homework assignment – even after 2 therapy sessions devoted to that topic, a tutor and lots of nagging from mom, is JUST A MISSING homework assignment and a lagging skill to continue to work on.
Don’t take the behavior personally
In addition to separating the behavior from the child…separate it from yourself. Do not take anything your child says personally.
You are not awful. They don’t hate you. And they don’t want you to go away forever.
This can be really hard and can take time to fully realize. Believe me, I have spent time sobbing in my closet because my kiddo has said some pretty mean things in the heat of an explosion.
Turn the finger back around to yourself.
It takes two to argue and we all have things to learn about ourselves. Remember, our kids are our greatest teachers and when they trigger us, it means we’ve got some work to do on ourselves.
Read some good parenting books, see a therapist for just YOU, take good care of yourself.
Stop “shoulding” all over the place!
Our kids are unique and on a timeline of their own. Comparing them to anyone else is futile. Put aside any thoughts you have about how your kids “should” be acting or what your kids “should” be doing.
And you! Stop thinking you should be a certain way or that you should know exactly how to respond to your child.
You are human. Your kids are human. You are both going to mess up.
Remind yourself this is a journey
… and someday these will be the good old days.
Building a human being is a very slow process and wouldn’t it be nice to focus more on enjoying it along(every step of) the way? Look for progress over perfection.
Spend more time connecting than correcting.
I found making time to connect so helpful, I wrote a whole blog post about it.
Spending quality time with your kiddo can proactively stop the behaviors and make great memories.
If you are looking for more ideas on connecting with your ADHD child to proactively lessen those “bad behaviors”, check out the post HERE.
Don’t take the behavior personally
In addition to separating the behavior from the child…separate it from yourself. Do not take anything your child says personally.
You are not awful. They don’t hate you. And they don’t want you to go away forever.
This can be really hard and can take time to fully realize. Believe me, I have spent time sobbing in my closet because my kiddo has said some pretty mean things in the heat of an explosion.
Turn the finger back around to yourself.
It takes two to argue and we all have things to learn about ourselves. Remember, our kids are our greatest teachers and when they trigger you,it means you’ve got some work to do on yourself.
Check out our favorite ADHD Parenting Books HERE.
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